“That's It! — I've Had It!”

o it’s been a rough day — your child or teen has tested you to the limit, stretched your thinning patience beyond infinity — and you’re definitely about to lose it, big time. You’re either going to blow up or give up, lie down and become a doormat. Now what? Is there anything you can do to head off the impending eruption? Never fear; the cavalry rides to the rescue. Enter the second useful concept.

CONCEPT #2: Becoming Centered

When behavior is at its worst — when your child’s lower self is running the show (and your own is threatening to burst on stage), there is a place to turn for help: the Three-Step Process. It gives you a way to let go of stress, to step back and become calm. And then it can help you to become centered. Becoming centered is the crucial skill for parenting; when we’re “off center” — stressed, upset, overwhelmed or angry — we’re certainly not at our best, and likely to bring out unfortunate responses in those around us. We can’t help a child or teen become calm and centered until we’re there ourselves.

When you don’t like the way things are going, these three steps offer a practical, systematic way to make a change. Each one will be explored at length in later chapters.

Here are the three steps:

The Three-Step Process

Step 1: Recognize The Lower Self

The first step will give you a useful, new way of understanding why things go wrong; it will give you insight into the thoughts and feelings that trigger your child’s negative behavior, as well as your own; it’s fully explained in Chapter Three.

Step 2: Cross The Bridge To The Centered Self

The second step consists of two potent exercises that will help you to become calm when the going gets rough — to make the crucial shift from lower self to centered self — and help your children do the same. You’ll find it in Chapter Four.

Step 3: Express The Centered Self

In step three you’ll learn to use the skills and adopt the attitudes that can help you create a family based on mutual respect — an environment that brings out the best (Chapters Five through Ten).

With practice, this process can help you to remain calm and centered more often, so you can avoid the storms or sail through them more smoothly. Eventually, making this shift becomes second nature; something you do informally and spontaneously. It can help you to be more effective, patient and skillful — to become the parent you want to be.

The Three-Step Process is the framework; everything you’ll learn in this program fits within these three steps. Whatever problem you’re facing, these steps give you a place to turn, a process to rely on. Thousands of parents have shown us how useful they can be.

Parents Deserve A Roadmap

Too often, as parents, we feel a bit lost. Dealing with conflict can be bewildering and confusing. “What went wrong?” “Is there a better way to handle it?” The third and final concept for parenting allows us to clear away the confusion.

CONCEPT #3: Relationship Issues

Imagine that you’re at the supermarket, approaching the dreaded cereal shelf:

“I told you before, that kind has too much sugar.” “But I want that kind.” “I know, but it’s not good for you.” Soon you’re entangled in a verbal tug-of-war, wondering what the other shoppers think of you and if there’s any way out of this.

Or your teenager has been out late — again — and you find yourself spinning in a whirlpool of excuses, nagging, blaming and defending.

Is there a way out?

All the problems we face with our children and teens can be grouped into five core themes. These are the underlying issues in every relationship. If we can identify which theme we’re dealing with, we can gain some clarity — and find a way toward resolution.

Consider the examples at the beginning of this section. An outsider observing these conflicts might see them with more clarity. On the surface, these conflicts are about cereal and curfew. But just under the surface, both are about a more fundamental issue: control. Control conflicts are about Who’s in charge?; that’s the real core of the problem. And once you know the underlying issue, you’re more able to find an effective way to approach it. It’s like having a roadmap: if you can see where you are — and where you want to go — you can find the best road to take.